“A Shocking … Tour de Force …”

BlurbMy tolerance for book blurbs has officially just bottomed out…

Of course, everyone knows the “Praise for [insert title or author’s name]” in the opening pages of a book are often just cleverly manipulated snippets meant to make a novel sound better than it is. No one in his right mind would expect an “ad card” to be a testimony of the work’s true worth. The fact that a reviewer used the word “Stunning!” “Remarkable!” or “Heartbreaking!” is meaningless—especially since you might find the full text reads “It is stunning that so atrocious a novel could have been written, much less published,” “It’s remarkable that this author ever found an agent,” or “It’s heartbreaking that the editors of this dreck were not dragged into the streets and summarily executed.”

Not only are blurb quotes twisted around so that they sometimes mean the precise opposite of what the reviewer actually said, but often the truly positive ones could only have been written by industry shills. For who else but a shill would call every thriller “edge-of-your-seat action,” or claim of every mystery that “If you start this one on a Friday, clear your schedule for the weekend … once I picked it up, I couldn’t put it down!” or the classic “so-and-so is the new so-and-so-from-ten-years ago: a true master!” Can’t these people at least think of more original glowing praise than “heart-pounding,” “a roller coaster ride,” “author X’s characters are fine-drawn and true to life,” and the ten or so other stock phrases that appear in virtually every book printed?

To my mind, the only good these blurbs might occasionally serve is as a litmus test. If I’m starting up an editing project and I read the ad card and the quotes are themselves badly written or choked with inane platitudes, then I grit my teeth, buckle up my sphincter, and say to myself, “All right, here comes another meteoric turd!” At least I know what I’ve gotten myself into.

For years, I’ve slowly seethed with innocuous disdain for blurbs. But it’s all part of the business of books, take it or leave it. With so many titles published each year, the majority of them god-awful, I would expect nothing less than mendacious rephrasings and critics who do well for themselves by liking everything they read. After all, books need blurbs, right? And luckily, no matter how terrible a book is there’s probably somebody out there who likes it. If we can’t find him, we’ll just toss in some ellipses: “One of … the best … books … of the … year!”

Which brings me to the straw that broke the camel’s back: blog reviews.

Since desperate publishers started relying on blogs for reviews, the floodgates have been opened. A book has no chance in hell of getting a good word from a reputable reviewer? Screw it, quote a blogger … The inspiration for this post was, in fact, a quote topping the ad card of a generic paranormal novel. The blurb quote, which I soon learned was in fact a misquote (thankfully so, as the original was quite stupid), came from a blog with a grand total of eight followers. I took a spin through the reviewer’s site, which had all the design flair, and all the grammatical and spelling mistakes, of a thirteen-year-old’s, and I found that there wasn’t a single comment on any of the reviews he’d posted. So, here’s a reviewer that no one, not even paranormal readers, has ever heard of, expressing an opinion that has no authority (given the author’s own tentative grasp on literacy), drifting out into the void of the Internet unheard—that is, until it ends up on the ad card in a book published by a major house.

It’s embarrassing, frankly. It’s an example a stupid and aggravating practice made stupider and more annoying. I mean, why not just post a quote from the author’s mother: “My boy wrote this book, and I think it’s a humdinger!” That would at least be less misleading.

Or perhaps there’s another answer entirely: Maybe we don’t really need blurbs at all …

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Posted in Uncategorized by B. E. Hopkins. 2 Comments

Further Crimes Against the Humanities

Regular, plain old normal coffee...A few months ago, I wrote a short post called “Crimes Against the Humanities” that included a list of appalling assaults on good writing committed in a recently published bestseller.

Last week, I finished editing another title in which the English language, common sense, and storytelling itself all took a brutal pummeling. There are two passages in particular I can’t help but share here.

This first one might sneak past some readers:

The smell of regular, plain old normal coffee filled my senses and did what it alone could do to ground me in reality. Told me the world was still moving forward, regular people were working regular jobs, coffee was being brewed, all was well someone out there.

Rather than criticize the nattering inanity of “regular, plain old normal coffee”… the unintentional pun of “ground”… the trite and meaningless jibber jabber about how coffee makes the narrator feel about the world moving forward and regular normal average plain old people working average regular plain old quotidian commonplace jobs… the redundant observation that the smell of coffee tells her that coffee is being brewed… or the inscrutable concluding final climactic finale, “all was well someone out there,” I’ve decided instead to celebrate this little gem of atrocious writing by Auto-Tuning it (click the link to listen):

Regular, plain old normal coffee

The same author takes a hearty dump on lucidity and English syntax in this next example:

Zay, having finished his sudden need to be social, with no more than a “How’s the tequila?” to Terric, and likely had also satisfied his curiosity of what was going on between Terric and Grant, strode over to the poker table.

Granted, it’s difficult to translate a passage like this from the German. But by the time I got to the end of this sentence, I’d forgotten that the blathering middle part was parenthetical. Coming at last to the main verb of the independent clause was a bit of a surprise—like bumping into an old acquaintance at a party, just after he’s thrown up all over himself. This sentence is so terrible and meaningless that it even sounds lousy after being Auto-Tuned (click below to listen anyway):

Zay … strode over to the poker table.

I could go on with further examples from this book, but unlike its author, I know when to stop writing.

Have you spotted any “Crimes Against the Humanities” lately? Post them in a comment.

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Posted in Publishing Rants Writing by B. E. Hopkins. 2 Comments

The Case of Show v. Tell

If you’ve ever read a how-to guide on storytelling, taken a creative writing course, or read a blog post about fiction, then you’ve probably heard the advice “Show, don’t tell.” More than likely, you’ve heard it hundreds of times, as it’s been parroted by countless writing gurus. In fact, this advice is repeated so often that it seems to have become a veritable First Commandment of American fiction writing.

Is “Thou Shalt Not Tell” a cardinal law of writing? Far from it! There are times where an author needs to know how to tell effectively. Moreover, there are many writers who tell superbly, and even some who tell better than they show.

Showing and Scenic Representation

Before getting into an apology of telling, let’s first address the strengths of showing and identify the ineffective sort of telling that “Show, don’t tell” is meant to eliminate.

Showing’s domain is the scene. Whenever characters interact, their language and mannerisms speak for themselves. Thus, in scenic representation, it’s generally true you shouldn’t overstate that which speaks for itself.

In a scene, it’s far more striking to present the reader with an image of what you’re trying to express rather than merely telling her about it. For example, have your character throw a fit and start screaming at others rather than writing, “He became extremely angry.” When a writer relies on that “extremely” to heighten the moment, when he hopes it will carry the emotional weight of the scene for him, he fails to engage the reader’s imagination. Thus, telling can be a form of condescension.

This also explains another old saw of the writing gurus: “Avoid adverbs.” If Carol has just said, “Goddammit, James, I hate it when you yell at me!” there’s no need to add that she said it “angrily.” The dialogue alone conveys her anger clearly. In such cases, telling with an adverb is redundant and results in an overwritten scene.

The same is true of the actions and gestures you describe. If James responds by slamming a door in Carol’s face, there is hardly any reason to mention that he, too, is angry. In a well-written scene, the characters’ language and actions speak for themselves, even when they’re being ironic, sarcastic, funny, wistful, and so on.

Hemingway is a master of scenic showing. In “Hills Like White Elephants,” for example, he conveys an enormous amount of information about his characters without directly telling us anything about them or delving into their thoughts. The reader feels as though she’s overhearing a conversation, and it takes a bit of listening to realize fully what’s going on.

Hem boils this principle down to a single sentence in A Moveable Feast (though he’s talking about the end of one of his stories, not about showing): “[...] you could omit anything if you knew that you omitted and the omitted part would strengthen the story and make people feel something more than they understood.”

In short, within a scene, it’s often best to let what’s left unsaid speak for itself.

Writing dialogue that stands on its own and that conveys the scene naturally, dashing in a few illustrative gestures—these are effective ways to build a scene. However, it must be noted that relying on nothing but scenes can itself be a very limiting way to tell a story, and it’s not the only way. There are plenty of other narrative strategies that incorporate telling.

The Effectiveness of Telling

Scenes are certainly the driving force in a story. They are the crucibles in which characters interact, conflict, and resolve issues. Typically, the major developments of a story occur in scenes, and the reader expects the most important events to be narrated in a direct, real-time fashion. (This, too, is not always the case. Take a mystery, for example, where the most important event—the crime—occurs offstage and is ultimately narrated secondhand by the detective at the end of the story.) But if scenes are the domain of showing, then the bridges between them are, or at least can be, the domain of telling.

While scenes form the skeleton of the story, their connective tissue is often some form of telling: exposition, backstory, summary, reflection, analysis, reinforcement. Even within a scene, telling can be used to jump ahead in time or to comment directly on the situation. Understanding how and when to tell is every bit as important as knowing how to show within a scene.

Let’s say Carol has just thrown a vase at the door that James slammed in her face. The scene has climaxed, and the next will have James returning home drunk. After such an intense moment, narrative pacing might demand a short breather, a relaxation of tension so that the reader can prepare for round two. The author could jump directly into a scene of minor importance, a few pages of light dialogue to let the reader come down from an emotional high. (Segueing into a toss-off scene is the decision many commercial fiction writers would take. Some would even insert a line break in the text to imply a filmic “jump cut” to the next scene.) But this bridge between scenes could alternatively use telling to achieve one of several different effects.

A writer like George Eliot or Jane Austen might bridge the gap with a discussion of social mores, of male and female relationships, in an authoritative omniscient narrative voice that tells us how to read the preceding and upcoming scenes. Dickens might comment on the social significance of the events. Cervantes might intrude with a humorous side note or ironically poke fun at the ridiculousness of his characters. Or another author might simply fill the space with a quick summary of the time between scenes.

This is where we can see some of the advantages of telling. Not only is it an efficient way to move a longer story forward quickly or to accomplish other narrative housekeeping tasks, it also gives a story depth that showing alone cannot provide. Hemingway might be able to get through “Hills Like White Elephants” using showing alone, but Gabriel García Márquez has a snowball’s chance in hell of making it through One Hundred Years of Solitude without frequent telling sections. And there’s no way at all to have novels like Milan Kundera’s Unbearable Lightness of Being, Thomas Mann’s Magic Mountain, or Robert Musil’s The Man Without Qualities without a significant amount of telling. These last three examples rely on telling almost more than they do on showing. (See the examples below for more on this, as well as my article on Musil’s use of “essayism” in his fiction.) A narrative that seeks to go beneath the surface of events requires a bit of telling, and the “novel of ideas” is entirely dependent on it.

Too Much Showing?

Telling unlocks narrative techniques that are not available to other art forms. And a writer should be free to use any tool at his disposal to get his ideas across.

With the exception voice over and soliloquy, which are basically literary borrowings, films and plays are limited to what is seen and heard. They employ pure showing. A filmmaker cannot tell the viewer the same sorts of things an author can, and in most cases he wouldn’t want to—it goes against the nature of his art. Film and theater have their own unique strengths and limitations. So, too, does literature.

The telling toolbox (non-scenic representation) belongs almost exclusively to literature. When a story only shows in its narratives, when a novel uses only scenes and does not include any summary or argument or exposition, it might as well be a film or a play. And to my mind, a novel that could just as easily be a film is no novel at all, for it doesn’t use the full range of techniques available to the author and certainly doesn’t push the limits of its form. Such a book is merely an imitation of another art form.

A novel is weakened when it relies solely on filmic techniques. If you’ve ever read a book by Dan Brown or Harlan Coben, you’ll understand what I mean. A novel should be a novel, not a film treatment. In that sense, most commercial fiction is not “literary” at all, and how-to guides and fiction professors who preach “Show, don’t tell” as dogma instill an impoverished approach to short story and novel writing. (More on this below.)

A Better Approach to the Case of Show v. Tell

Show and Tell Graph

Click to see full-size version

 

Rather than taking “Show, don’t tell” as an eternal law passed down from the fiction gods on high, it’s more effective to think about showing and telling as the extremes of a narratological spectrum (represented by the x axis above). However, your decisions about whether to show or to tell are intimately associated with your choices regarding your narrator and the revelation of information in the story. These, too, are spectra, and they in turn help to determine where on the showing/telling spectrum the narrative might fall.

Narrative voice is represented above by an y axis perpendicular to x. Here we can plot the level of narrator consciousness from very limited to all-knowing and from first to third person.* Your narrator might be a first-person witness to events with little ability to comment on them (Benjy in The Sound and the Fury), a witness who is capable of seeing deeper than those around him (Nick Carraway in The Great Gatsby), a detached third-person narrator who can dip into a single character’s mind (as in the Harry Potter series) or one who can slip in and out of omniscience and the subjective experience of the protagonist (A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man and, in a more complex way, Ulysses), or a truly omniscient narrator who can plunge into any character’s mind at will (as used in most epics, from Homer to Tolkien).

Finally, perpendicular to x and y, the z axis plots the level of detail the narrator uses, as expressed by the compression of time employed. This can range from an extreme condensation of time (a summary of years reduced to a matter of pages, as in the middle part of To the Lighthouse) to the standard real-time scene (“Hills Like White Elephants”) to a slowing down of time within a scene (as when a character becomes absorbed in something and the narrative slows down to explore it in microscopic detail, or stream of consciousness narratives).

Naturally, the narrator choice and the representation of time in a story will determine the showiness or telliness of the narrative. Returning to the x axis, then… On the showing end, we have things like most films or plays, as well as Hemingway’s “Hills Like White Elephants.” On the far side of telling, we have Grimm’s fairy tales, epics, The Decameron and The Canterbury Tales. And in between is a vast array of books that use both showing and telling effectively, works that shift into scenes effectively and seamlessly. Indeed, the vast majority of novels do use both showing and telling as time is compressed or elongated and per the narrator’s capacity to go into more or less detail about events.

*Second person is just a variety of third person, since “you” are never really the narrator but merely the subject of the narration.

A Few Examples of Telling

Tales

There are countless examples in literature of effective telling. Older stories, epics, fairy tales, etc., often tell much more than they show. You can find a sort of “pure telling,” for example, in Aesop, Homer, Boccaccio, Chaucer, and the Brothers Grimm, Hans Christian Andersen, and even Edgar Allen Poe and O.Henry.

The tales these writers (or their narrators) recount use scenes sparingly. The stories are usually told in broad strokes and time is densely compressed. In a tale, it is more appropriate to say “The queen was angry, and she punished her stepdaughter by locking her in a tower,” rather than rendering it as a subtle scene that shows.

The downside of tales is that they are coarse-grained and less vividly “real” than a scenic story; the benefit is that they tend to be short and highly memorable.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being

The idea of eternal return is a mysterious one, and Nietzsche has often perplexed other philosophers with it: to think that everything recurs as we once experienced it, and that the recurrence itself recurs as infinitum! What does this mad myth signify.

Whether you like Kundera or not (I used to love him as an undergraduate, before I’d read much of the philosophy he refers to in his books, and today I find him more than a little tedious and sometimes downright wrong about the works he refers to), you have to admit that he has a distinctive style. His books are meticulously crafted, and the “essayism” of his approach pulls his books along every bit as much as his scenes do. Indeed, rarely does a scene go by without some commentary from the narrator, some type of telling.

American and British readers seem to dislike this kind of writing, and prefer purely scenic books (the uninterrupted narrative dream that John Gardner describes in his guide for young writers). The rest of the world, however, especially Europe, is apparently less disturbed by the author/narrator coming in and telling them something. To my mind, it is precisely the “telling” aspect of the European novel that allows them to be both literary and philosophical. There is a reason America has produced Hemingway and not Musil. We don’t like novels that intellectualize or shift into essay—we prefer a seamless show.

Even our most intellectual writers tend to prefer showing to telling. Essayistic fiction is a rarity in America, and our most sensitive and intelligent authors treat very realistic subjects in very realistic terms, with little philosophizing from the narrator. An author like Jonathan Frazen says a great deal about American society in his books, but he generally does so in a self-effacing style.

The “contemporary American voice,” if such a thing exists, is a kind of stripped-down Flaubert. For as much as Flaubert intended to remove himself from the narrative, his gorgeous, unmistakable style keeps him in it. James Joyce’s does too. Commercial American writers are indistinguishable precisely because they use the same flat, bland language and the same “Show, don’t tell” approach to their narrative structure.

Tropic of Cancer

I am living at the Villa Borghese. There is not a crumb of dirt anywhere, nor a chair misplaced. We are all alone here and we are dead.

Last night Boris discovered that he was lousy. I had to shave his armpits and even then the itching did not stop. How can one get lousy in a beautiful place like this? But no matter. We might never have known each other so intimately, Boris and I, had it not been for the lice.

Boris has just given me a summary of his views. He is a weather prophet. The weather will continue to be bad, he says. There will be more calamities, more death, more despair. Not the slightest indication of a change anywhere. The cancer of time is eating us away. Our heroes have killed themselves, or are killing themselves. They hero, then, is not Time, but Timelessness. We must get in a step, a lock step, toward the prison of death. There is no escape. The weather will not change.

I’m not sure what this is, but it isn’t showing. It is a particular type of telling, one that relates events but that does so in a way that is far more concerned with language than with plot.

Miller’s books are about language first and foremost. He’s the fictional equivalent of Walt Whitman, full of great torrents of words, words, words, overflowing with contradiction. Plot and even character (aside from the narrator’s) are of little concern, and the stories he tells are more like what you might hear on a stoop in Brooklyn or a trottoir in Paris than the neatly packaged fictions of other writers.

Lolita

Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Lo-lee-ta: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Lo. Lee. Ta.

This is a description of a sort, but not really. It does not show, exactly, but rather conjures. It is completely absorbed in the author’s style. It goes beyond mere showing.

She was Lo, plain Lo, in the morning, standing four feet ten in one sock. She was Lola in slacks. She was Dolly at school. She was Dolores on the dotted line. But in my arms she was always Lolita.

General description, pure telling so infused with poetry that it evokes the world we are about enter.

And yet, Nabokov moves into chapter 2 in such a straightforward telling mode:

I was born in 1910, in Paris. My father was a gentle, easy-going person, a salad of racial genes: a Swiss citizen, of mixed French and Austrian descent, with a dash of the Danube in his veins. I am going to pass around in a minute some lovely, glossy-blue picture-postcards. He owned a luxurious hotel on the Riviera. His father and two grandfathers had sold wine, jewels and silk, respectively. At thirty he married an English girl, daughter of Jerome Dunn, the alpinist, and granddaughter of two Dorset parsons, experts in obscure subjects—paleopedology and Aeolian harps, respectively. […]

This is pure telling. But it is told crisply, clearly, and with a dash of humor.

Intense Telling

Political novels often use telling to educate the reader on the required history and philosophy. (Even Dan Brown tells us all we need to know about the history of the Templars through exposition.) Consider how much telling there is in George Orwell’s 1984 or Richard Wright’s Native Son (specifically, once the action moves to the courtroom). Telling is fine as long as you are writer enough to do it interestingly…

No need to quote from The Man Without Qualities. Practically the whole book is told. Musil barely even bothers with scenes, and when he does set them up, he seldom stays in them. Instead, he resorts to summary and essayism. The book is dense and deeply philosophical, but it does not feel quite like a typical novel.

A lot of experimental fiction relies on telling. Authors like David Foster Wallace and Junot Díaz use telling to create a sense of playfulness. Their books are far more novel-like than Musil’s, but they have nothing in common with the movie treatments of more commercial authors.

In all of these case, the work is often as much about the language and style as it is the story and characters. They are all intertwined.

Why Then Are We Obsessed with Showing?

Writing instruction depends on blanket proscriptions like “Show, don’t tell” precisely because good writing is so hard to teach. The problem is the reverse of one found in literature courses.

In Literature 101, the texts are typically chosen for their difficulty: the density of historical or literary references, the use of complex language and opaque symbolism. In a way, it’s actually easier to teach a class on Ulysses because there’s so much to explain and break down, so much meaning that the average reader might simply miss without a background in Irish history, European literature, mythology, and a huge vocabulary. Teaching a class on Henry Miller, on the other hand, is less common then perhaps because the text itself is so self-evident: to read Miller is to understand what he is trying to do in his fiction. The same is true with Dickens, a staple of high school literature classes, who is less likely to be included in a college survey course. These two might be studied in the context of cultural history, as examples. But the kind of textual analysis that Samuel Beckett demands is not really required when reading Trollope.

For writing instructors, the opposite is true. Since great literature is highly original and idiosyncratic and tends to break the so-called “rules” of fiction writing with narratological legerdemain, there’s little hope of offering simple tricks to students to make them the next Virginia Woolf. Instead, how-to writing guides and classes can, at best, teach students how to write like Dan Brown: that is, in a tried-and-true formulaic, albeit efficient, fashion.

Although “Show, don’t tell” is not bad advice, it is given far too indiscriminately. The examples to which it is applied are usually straw men: they’re typically just examples of clumsy writing rather than illustrations of some unbreakable rule. Since there is no easy cure for a writer who just isn’t very good at putting words together, the mantra “Show, don’t tell” will not much improve a work by an author of little talent.

But the obsession with showing in MFA programs and writing guides is also indicative of two truths about mainstream contemporary American fiction, as already touched upon. It is split between commercial writers who write what really amount to film treatments rather than novels (because they are more salable), and literary fiction writers who are stuck in a late modernist fictional mode.*

*I am speaking very broadly here, and that there are, of course, dozens of counterexamples to these trends. Naturally, there are excellent writers in all genres and forms who make narrative decisions in full consciousness of their ramifications.

So In Short…

In scenes, make your characters’ emotions and attitudes self-evident in their words and actions (or just as ambiguous as they need to be). In the bridges between scenes, strive to evoke what you are describing rather than being too literal. But recognize where it’s easier just to tell us something rather than spending the time to show it scenically. Finally, never be afraid to make an unconventional narrative choice when you think it suits the story, and use the full range of techniques available to you as an author.

Add a comment to share your reactions and your own experiences with the case of Show v. Tell.

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Posted in Writing by B. E. Hopkins. 2 Comments

Words We Hate

Watch Out for the MunchiesOn Twitter today, I saw the hash tag #wordswehate flash by in my feed. @MrsPickle_, a dangerous woman who reportedly owns multiple shotguns and machetes, was responding to a tweet from @btchygirls, who run the Web site BIBS (Bitches in the Burbs), by saying that she hates the word “moist.” Other popular responses included “trousers,” “bootylicious,” and several synonyms for the female pudendum (another ugly word)…

At this point, people who aren’t on Twitter are asking, “What the hell are you talking about, man?” Just stay with me for a minute…

For months now, I’ve had a list of “Words I Hate” to post here on my blog. One day I decided that they were a bit too bitchy to post. But the Bitches in the Burbs have uncorked the bottle, and since my responses to their hash tag seem to be fairly popular, I figure I might as well toss this list up online.

The inspiration for my list comes from my former coworker in Chicago, Ruth, who told me one day that hearing the word “stump” made her physically ill… So here are a few of the words that make me, if not sick, at least slightly nauseated.

Hubby

When women say this, it sets my teeth on edge. Ladies, must you infantalize your spouse? This word makes him sound like a mouth-breathing, roly-poly, bald guy with mustard stains on his bow tie. (If he is, then by all means keep using it.)

Peruse

When used properly, this word doesn’t annoy me at all. But it’s a sign of the times that a word once meaning “to study intently” has been transformed into a synonym for “to skim.” How exactly am I meant to peruse a one-page memo? Or a menu?

Basis

This one’s only mildly irritating. But it seems as though “basis” has replaced other more useful adverbs in American’s speech and writing. Why do we now habitually say “daily basis” when we mean “daily,” or “regular basis” when we mean “regularly”?

Eatery

This is a word that, I think, is fine to use in certain contexts. It’s just when it pops up in inappropriate places that I find it mildly nauseating. For example, if I read about a new fine dining restaurant downtown and the reviewer says, “This chic eatery is the perfect place for a first date,” I throw up a little.

Really, why on earth would I want to dine in an “eatery”? There’s no such thing as a “chic eatery,” or even an appetizing eatery for that matter… To me, the word is more suggestive of a factory for fat people… It conjures up an image of hordes of mall-trawling, morbidly obese people scooting around the mall in their Rascals with corn dog crumbs and pizza sauce on their shirts.

Nothing worth eating has ever been served in an eatery. However, if we’re talking about going down to the Chat ‘n’ Chew, or if we’re referring to the Sbarro’s at the food court in the Mall of America, then by all means use the word.

Amazing

In all likelihood, what you really mean is “slightly better than mediocre or commonplace.”

“Amazing” is overused to the point of inanity, more often than not by very excitable people whose every statement sounds like a question. “Omigod, that restaurant was amazing… These shoes are amazing… I watched Dancing with the Stars last night, and Kirstie Alley was amazing.” It doesn’t take much to amaze someone like that.

I lived in the Midwest for a few years, and I knew a woman there who pronounced this word through her nose. When she said it, it would resonate outward from her face as a destructive cone of sound reminiscent of Godzilla’s “Nuclear Pulse.” In fact, she once took out three whole city blocks raving about a shitty eatery in Lincoln Park.

Gender

Don’t be shy. We’re all adults here. You’re allowed to say “sex” when you mean “sex.” Speaking for myself, I don’t have a gender: I have a penis, which means my sex is male.

“Gender” has its appropriate uses, but in most everyday speech it reeks of Puritan squeamishness.

It begs the question

No, it doesn’t. It raises the question, goddammit! As a proofreader, I see this term misused on a daily basis. (See, it is annoying, isn’t it?) “To beg the question” means to use circular logic.

Foodie

Now, the other words I’ve been bitching about are ones at which I usually just roll my eyes. However, I truly, deeply loathe the word “foodie.” I despise it the way Ruth hates “stump.”

And it’s not just because it sounds childish, like “hippie” or “groupie.” (Jesus, just listen to the word! Doesn’t it make you think of those little gray blobs from the ABC Bod Squad?). It’s not just because it’s a completely useless neologism. (“Foodie” is the sort of word that Sarah Palin would coin—precisely because she doesn’t know what a gourmet, gourmand, gastronome, or epicure is). It’s not just the word that annoys me, but the very concept itself.

For being a foodie essentially means being overly proud of yourself for realizing that fast food is shit. As if this required one to be a connoisseur (oh, look, another synonym!). That’s all it means: “I care about what I eat. I don’t mindlessly hork down chili dogs and bellybusters. I know how to cook competently using proper fresh ingredients.” Congratulations!

And at least in my experience, only Americans are “foodies.” We’re always “discovering” something! In this case, culinary principles that the rest of the world has taken for granted for centuries.

***

I’ve been told I overreact to these words—”foodie” in particular. And this is probably true. I once went on a tirade about these words while having dinner at a restaurant in D.C. Without a beat, my girlfriend, Misou, came up with this sentence: “My hubby and I are huge foodies. There are a ton of amazing chic eateries here in our neighborhood that we go to on a daily basis.”

I tried to come up with a similarly clever riposte, but she had me stumped.

Bitchy enough for you? Add the words you hate here in a comment, or go on Twitter and use the hash tag #wordswehate.

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Posted in Rants by B. E. Hopkins. 15 Comments

Hot Book-on-Book Action

Hot Book-on-Book Action

Binka binka bow bow!

In my post Tough Love for Would-Be Writers, I bitched in passing about hackneyed writing guides offering authors pat advice on how to produce film treatments rather than novels. (More on the latter complaint in my next post: The Case of Show v. Tell.)

Despite my earlier rant, though, I do think there are tons of great books on writing out there. I just find that the best of them are books about writing, rather than 12-step how-to programs for wannabe authors. So today, instead of griping and ranting, I’m listing some of the books on writing that I’ve found to be the most useful and enlightening.

My favorite books for authors are those that approach the craft of writing not systematically, stiltedly, or with an overly simplistic step-by-step approach but rather desultorily and even philosophically. It’s much more fun to read books about books by the people who actually write them, authors who like to get down and dirty with their literary biznatch.

So first, here’s some hot author-on-books action for you:

  • E. M. Forster’s Aspects of the Novel – A collection of lectures Forster gave at Columbia University. Very straightforward and clearly written, the book is famous for its definition of flat and round characters.
  • Milan Kundera’s The Art of the Novel – A series of essays on the novel’s philosophical potency, its potential as a place for inquiry rather than moral absolutes. These essays also highlight many aspects of the novel that American writers seem largely to ignore, but that still define the contemporary European novel.
  • John Gardner’s The Art of Fiction – Appropriately subtitled “Notes on Craft for Young Writers,” this is an all-round handy guide to fiction writing, addressing practical concerns as well technique, but without the self-help nonsense and rule-based triteness of other writing guides. Plus, the dude wrote Grendel… Why wouldn’t you listen to him?
  • Jane Smiley’s 13 Ways of Looking at the Novel – It’s no surprise that this incredibly prolific literary veteran has a great deal of fantastic insight into her craft to share. Her book provides general analysis of how novels work, the effect they’ve had on readers and on history, and it includes summaries of 100 great works, from The Tale of Genji to Atonement.
  • David Lodge’s The Art of Fiction (Jeez, you’d think they could come up with more creative titles for these books) – A collection of pieces Lodge wrote for The Independent on Sunday, this is another practical guide to fiction technique. The chapters are short and pithy, with examples taken from both contemporary and classical works. It’s also a great bathroom book.
  • James Wood’s How Fiction Works and The Irresponsible Self – Though not a fiction writer himself, Wood writes very readable criticism of both contemporary and classical fiction. These two books are collections of his essays, and How Fiction Works is an interesting response to Forster’s Aspects of the Novel.

Admittedly, literary criticism can be a bit dry—but it can also be illustrative and even, dare I say, inspirational. There are a number of more technical books out there for the serious fiction devotee. Below are a few that I like to keep handy.

Some decidedly less hot, but still must-read, critic-on-books action:

  • Wayne C. Booth’s The Rhetoric of Fiction – Booth’s book is an exhaustive but highly readable guide to fictional techniques, with examples drawn from a wide selection of Western literature. It is perhaps most famous for its definition of “the unreliable narrator” and “the implied author.”
  • Gerard Genette’s Figures III (published in English as Narrative Discourse: An Essay in Method) – Another thorough and technical study of fiction, which draws on Proust for examples. This book is a fiction-writing bible, and you don’t have to have read In Search of Lost Time to get a lot out of it.
  • Essays and books by the Russian Formalists, including Shklovsky, Propp, and Jakobson – As the movement’s name implies, these critics are great at categorizing techniques (form over content), and in a way that separates literature from its politics and social commentary. Highly technical but very illuminating.
  • Mikhail Bakhtin’s The Dialogic Imagination (also available as an ebook) – A collection of four essays on how language functions in the novel and how the novel itself is a place where multiple “languages” interact.

There are many more I could list, but these are the ones that sprang most readily to mind and that stuck with me after I read them.

If you have some hot book-on-book action of your own to share, post a sizzling Penthouse Lettersstyle comment below!

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Lost Vignette 5

Le Ballon Rouge

5.

When I was eight or nine years old, I became depressed by the realization that for the rest of my life I would never have anyone to talk to except other human beings. I wanted desperately to speak with animals or objects or anyone nonhuman who might have something interesting to say.

So I began conducting experiments: I spied on my dogs for weeks in search of proof they did more human things while no one was looking. Peering around a corner, sure they had not noticed me, I would observe them and take notes, hoping they might speak some secret language, or simply wag in code, or at least bark or growl meaningfully. Or I would sneak up on my toys, watching them from behind a cracked door. And, reprising a popular trope from detective TV shows I’d seen, I’d lay a thread across my action figures before leaving them to conspire amongst themselves in private for an hour or two.

I also had a peculiar obsession with balloons. Whenever I got one at a birthday party or a carnival, I would keep it until it sagged into definitive lifelessness. I loved how a balloon gradually lost its lift; after a day or two, it would hover in midair at just about the level of my head. At this point, I would draw a face on it and push it around the room, pretending it was a bodiless boy. When I ran past quickly, it would even seem to follow after me. Always, always I desperately hoped that just once that balloon would cross the room of its own volition to meet me. Despite strong doubts, I still thought it might be possible this light, empty thing contained a hidden spark of consciousness. I didn’t call it consciousness, of course. Rather, I simply wished that the balloon were more like me. A few times, I nearly convinced myself that it had followed me of its own accord.

Who hasn’t suspected that animals and things might lead a secret life? What little girl doesn’t wonder if her dolls have tea parties without her? To a child, a doll really is alive, despite all empirical evidence to the contrary. It is alive because the child is a magician who animates things with his imagination. The first developments of mythology and religion, too, spring from this childlike projection of Self into the world. Man is forever projecting himself into things, pretending that Nature has myriad unseen agents and ministering angels who manipulate the world the way that he does (or wishes he could), praying that he might speak to them…

As for my experiment with my pets.. Upon reviewing my notes, I found they did little to suggest they were keeping any secrets. In the end, I concluded that they could indeed think, that they were even conscious to a limited degree, but that they and I had little to say to each other. And the threads I placed across my action figures were always just where I’d left them.

Despite the results of my experiments, I continued to wonder. After all, perhaps they knew I was spying on them or they were clever enough to put that thread back after they had moved around. And I was always careful to treat them with the utmost kindness and respect, to ensure they would not think me a tyrant.

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Lost Vignettes (3 & 4)

Snow Globe

3.

My mother told me unambiguously: “Do not try to take it off the dresser. You’ll only end up breaking it.”

“It” was a glass snow globe I’d gotten that same day. Just before bed, my mother let me hold it—but not shake it, for it was too big for my small hands—to see the flurries fly around the little top-hatted snowman inside, his blue balloon bobbing in the blizzard. Then she placed it high atop my dresser. After tucking me in, she gave it another shake and set it by my night-light so I could watch the swirling snowflakes as I fell asleep.

But I wanted desperately to hold it again, to see that little snowman and his balloon close up. So immediately after the hall light went off, I jumped out of bed and dragged a stool over to the dresser. The globe was difficult to reach, but I managed to get the fingers of both hands on it, and I pulled it carefully to the edge…

I was crying before it even hit the floor. It seemed to jump from my hands, as though it wanted to be smashed into a million pieces. Although I’d just watched myself drop it, and despite knowing deep down that my hands had been too small to hold on to it, I couldn’t help feeling I’d only broken it because my mother had told me I would.

SnowmanShe rushed into my room with a dustpan and a towel. As she picked me up and put me back in bed, I was sobbing so hard, I couldn’t breathe. But she told me it would be all right, she would get me another snow globe. And she held me until I calmed down and yawned, and then she laid me down to sleep.

I kept the plastic snowman and his little balloon. Only, outside the globe, his balloon hung dead at his side and he smelled like pee.

4.

I once had a small Japanese box—one among several precious objects (small colored bottles, shells, and smooth stones I naturally assumed had some magical power) that I collected at the age of four or five. It was beautiful—green silk over cardboard, with a red ribbon and a spike of jade to clasp it shut. I have no idea why or where I’d stolen it. I vaguely recall keeping in it a handful of cranberries I’d plucked off our Christmas tree. When I finally removed them after a couple of weeks, they were like little red stones. They’d stained the inside of the box with red blotches and left behind a faint bitter scent.

ParachutistOne winter’s day, I cut the strings of the toy parachute I’d been playing with and laid the miniature parachutist to rest in my Japanese box. I went outside and buried him in a snowdrift by a tree in our front yard.

Sometime later, who knows how long it was, I went back to exhume my little plastic manikin. I was certain I knew where I’d buried him, yet despite an exhaustive search I never found the box. Even after all the snow melted, the little parachutist and his pretty coffin were nowhere to be found.

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Lost Vignettes (1 & 2)

While going through some old files this week, I came across a series of vignettes I wrote about ten years ago in the voice of a character called Benjamin Hermes. Each of them has to do with a childhood memory, a little moment of wonderment or loss. Over the next few days I’ll post some of them. Below are the first two.

Dreams and Memories

1.

Once when I was very young, three or four years old, I awoke in the middle of the night to a most vivid vision. I’m almost certain it wasn’t a dream, and I don’t recall having had a fever. Yet floating there before my open eyes, in perfect orbits around my bed, were hundreds of small white objects and familiar shapes. Each was so clearly defined, so real to me, that I examined it individually as it passed; each was a perfect little statue devoid of color and shading.

Mostly they were playthings, like plastic army men and action figures, and I noticed that they were constant—that is, they seemed to have permanence despite their ghostly irreality. They flowed in steady streams around me in three separate layers. Each layer moved at a different speed, the middle one flowing counter to the other two. The vision was like a mobile, the electron shells of an atom, or the rings of an orrery. Emerging from the wall on either side of me, the spectral forms toured my room then plunged back into the wall on the other side, only to come around again—the same objects in the same order. I felt I could have plucked one from the air to play with it, and yet I never tried to touch them.

The phenomenon delighted me at first, until I realized I was in fact completely awake. As soon as I became aware that this was something strange and extraordinary, I was filled with fright. I ran to the top of the stairs and yelled for my parents. But as though it were a dream, I couldn’t tell whether I had really shouted. No one came.

Reluctantly, I returned to my room, where the gyre of images once more began revolving around my bed. I closed my eyes and buried my head beneath the pillows, yet the spectral shapes were there as well—starker still against the black backdrop of clenched eyelids.

After a while, I gave in to them. I propped myself up on my pillow and lay back to watch the eerie procession, marveling at them and wondering Are they inside me or…?

Eventually, I fell asleep. Or dreamt I did.

Color/Form

2.

My earliest memory is of my sister. Outside on a snowy day. Her red cheeks and the little clouds her words made when she told me, “If we run, we’ll be warm.” She ran ahead, and I just stood there shivering, not understanding how the two could possibly have anything to do with each other.

Of my life prior to those words I recall only sensations: a soapy waft and the warmth of the wet cloth my mother washed me with when I was an infant, the red glow inside my eyelids when I closed them on a sunny day, the enveloping darkness of bedtime. These memories, though, don’t mean anything. Coming from beyond the frontier of even childlike consciousness—from those first two years of raw experience during which a child senses no boundary or difference between himself and the world—these memories are merely form, color, scent, and touch unalloyed. They make no sense. They simply are.

I can remember, from a year or so later I suppose, the humiliation of waking up between soaked sheets, or the anxiety of racing to the toilet if I was lucky enough to wake up before wetting the bed. These are perhaps my first meaningful memories… Yes, I suspect my life as an individual began with a semiconscious unwillingness to soil myself.

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Sic!

Speaking of the lost art of editing… The other day, a publishing friend of mine sent me the title page from a book she found on her boss’s shelf. (Look closely now. Or at least more closely than the editor did.)

 

Grammar & Stlye

"This title page was Xeroxed from the THIRD reprinting of this book."

Also, here’s the pile of books I have to proofread this month:

Editing Pile

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Aller-Retour Sens/Charabia

GibberishAfter reading my post on “Translation as a Tool,” the art critic who commissioned my recent translation project sent me a link to a site created by an New York-based artist he works with.

It serves as a fitting end to my short series on translation. If you let it run long enough (a couple of minutes), you’ll see language devolve back into Gibberish via translation.

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